Tuesday, June 26, 2007

"Miracle" weight loss drug Alli delivers more than you bargained for (diapers optional)

When people ask, "What can I do to lose weight?" what they're really asking is, "What can I do to lose weight that doesn't require exercise or giving up all the junk foods I eat?" When it comes to weight loss, consumers are looking for a magic bullet -- a miracle pill that eliminates the responsibility of having to actually make adult decisions about their own health. GlaxoSmithKline has delivered the pot-of-weight-loss-gold at the end of the rainbow in the form of an over-the-counter drug called, "Alli."

Alli is bound to be a huge market success. Consumers are rushing to buy the latest fad drug in a desperate attempt to lose weight without having to give up their Krispy Kreme donuts or -- God forbid -- engage in physical exercise that might actually cause them to sweat (there is a great fear of exertion in America today). But while Alli will no doubt be a huge commercial success, it will prove to be an utter weight loss failure. Even in clinical trials, the drug only produced a few pounds of weight loss per year. You could lose more by walking five minutes a day, or drinking half a can of soda less than what you do now. As a serious weight loss aid, Alli falls short. Very short.

Speaking of shorts, Alli has some very entertaining side effects. The drug can cause explosive oily stools to involuntarily eject from your bowels. While that may sound like fun if you're at a frat party, it's certainly not an enjoyable experience when commuting, driving, or hanging out at the office. Dirtying your britches is bound to make the gossip rounds in mere minutes, earning you new nicknames and a repulsive, date-spoiling reputation that will be difficult to overcome. The manufacturer of Alli actually recommends that consumers "carry an extra pair of pants" with them at all times, just in case the side effects kick in. Why not just wear diapers?

Alli takers who brown their britches are the lucky ones, by the way. Imagine what happens when these side effects kick in while you're in the hot tub! Better yet, see the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7JMzDjIkVc (it's called "Hot Tub Mishap").

One mishap like that and you'll literally have to move to a new city and try to make new friends who hopefully haven't seen your video on YouTube. Yep: All it takes is one Alli accident + some creep at the office with a web cam mobile phone, and your ass is all over the internet in a very humiliating way. If you don't believe me, check out "Karate Guy Craps In His Pants" at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZLq90YeNNg

Just think, this could be YOU!

I find it interesting that this weight loss drug makes adults need to wear diapers. It's quite appropriate, actually, since people who take these weight loss drugs are acting like babies about their own health. Americans just need to grow up and start acting like adults for a change. Put down the ice cream, turn off the TV and go bicycling for goodness sake. No, your mommie isn't around to MAKE you do it, you have to do it all by yourself. (And take those training wheels off the bike while you're at it.) Tie your shoes! Clean up your room! Don't eat the entire box of ice cream! Jeez...

Nutritional deficiencies
The dirty-your-britches side effect isn't the only thing about Alli that makes me wonder what kind of desperate weight loss newbies are going to pop these pills: I'm also concerned about the fact that the drug interferes with the absorption of essential fatty acids. Given that most overweight people are already extremely deficient in omega-3 fatty acids, DHA and other healthy oils, this Alli drug is likely to put them in an even worse state of deficiency.

The drug works by interfering with the digestion of dietary fats, you see. That may sound great if you're eating a diet of fried foods, hydrogenated oils and processed meat products, but even if you block the absorption of those obesity-promoting fats, you're still left in a state of deficiency concerning the healthy oils like omega-3 fatty acids. And if you eat more flaxseed or take fish oil capsules, guess what? Alli will interfere with those, too, causing you to miss out on at least some of their benefits.

What an incredibly genius idea for a drug! Transform adults into diaper-wearing little children, then leave them in a state of nutritional deficiency. Only a drug company could have thought of this one! (And only a desperate, gullible public could actually believe the hype on a drug like this...)

If you're considering taking Alli, you can save yourself the money by following these three simple steps: 1) Sit on the toilet. 2) Do NOT pull your pants down. Leave them on. 3) Go to the bathroom anyway.

Like magic, you will experience the same side effects of Alli, which will gross you out so much that you won't even feel like eating for several hours, which means fewer calories! Repeat this each day and in a year, you'll lose weight! Be sure to stock up on extra undies before attempting this miracle weight loss recipe, because you'll need lots of spare laundry.

Alli is the only weight loss drug I know of that causes you to lose more self respect than body fat. Maybe it should be marketed as a "self image loss" drug instead of a weight loss drug.

Here's what really works for weight loss
Now, let's get serious for a moment and talk about legitimate weight loss strategies. First, you've got to control your appetite through a program of nutritional supplementation with superfoods and trace minerals. Your body is hungry because it's malnourished! And all the processed food you keep eating is devoid of real nutrition, which explains why you're still hungry even after eating an entire bag of cookies, chips, donuts or whatever.

Read my book Natural Appetite Suppressants for Safe, Effective Weight Loss to learn more about natural strategies that really work for reducing appetite and eliminating cravings, or you can start by consuming trace minerals and microalgae like spirulina, chlorella or blue-green algae.

Secondly, you've got to engage in regular exercise. Gee, you've heard that a million times already, right? That's because it's a necessary component of weight loss. Mark my words: There is no way to lose weight without exercise unless you're dying from some disease. Exercise is essential -- it boosts muscle mass, increases metabolism and tells your body to shed fat. Sunlight also helps, too. Get more sunlight and your body will drop even more fat.

Finally, you've simply got to stop eating refined sugars, processed carbs and hydrogenated fats. That means no soft drinks, cookies, cake, sweets, white flour, white bread, sugary cereal and other such foods. EVER. Yes, ever.

Let me be blunt: You can either have your cake and be obese, or you can give up the cake and maintain a healthy weight. You can't have your cake and eat it and expect to be thin, even if you take Alli or some other worthless weight loss drug. Alli does not "UNDO" all the fat-inducing foods you've put into your body. You're still going to face the ramifications of everything you swallow, and that means a lifetime of being overweight if you keep eating processed, factory-made foods.

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